I often glance at the girly magazines at the grocery store while I’m waiting to check out. Nearly one each month boasts an article on how to be a better lover, how to turn your guy on, or how to be sexier. I don’t claim to know what all of them suggest, but I did read one that gave tips on how to turn your man on in bed. I have better advice for you, and it’s pretty simple and direct. Confidence. Confidence and self esteem are the keys to being the best lover you can be.

Think about your most recent intimate encounter; in fact it doesn’t even have to be sexually intimate. For many years I had trouble with intimacy because I was filled with self doubt. I worried about whether I would create a pleasurable experience, if it had been “good enough”, even just that he would like me. Those worries were the exact reason for my troubles. How can you be intimate and be a good lover if you’re holding back or distracted by all your thoughts of inadequacy? You can’t!

Now turn the tables and think about a guy (or girl) you’ve been with before that wasn’t sure of himself. Let’s face it. There’s nothing that can be more of a turn-off than a person who’s not confident enough to explore, experience, be open minded and direct. That nervous energy, lack of attention and focus, and seemingly “pushover” quality is not a highly erotic trait.

The tricky thing to fixing this though starts long before you ever get to the bedroom. A lack of confidence typically shows itself in more than one area of your life. Maybe it stems from an overall feeling of being incapable or feeling like something’s wrong with you. You may see it in your friendships, at your job, or at large social gatherings. Sometimes the lack of confidence makes it difficult to even find a significant other because before anything gets going, you’re already putting out the energy that you’re not sure of yourself; you don’t know what you want, or you don’t believe in your own value. If you don’t believe in yourself, than how can anyone else?

The same is true for the bedroom. If you’re not comfortable with your body or comfortable enough to be direct about what you want and “how”, then you will be fighting against the opportunity for a meaningful experience. Be who you are. Like what you like, and be ok with that. Chances are the person that you’re with already knows exactly who you are (even if you try to hide some things) and likes you for them. If they don’t, then you’re in the wrong place anyway. If it’s the relationship that is making it difficult to feel confident, then that is your red flag to get out of the situation, because a relationship should never make you feel devalued or unworthy.

If you have trouble feeling confident in other areas of your life, coming to terms with that first will improve your life in all areas. We all have baggage and trauma; we all have wounds that create our self-esteem issues. Tackling those issues rather than ignoring them is key. Next time you have an opportunity to be intimate with your significant other, be present in the experience; be honest and forward and enjoy yourself. Try to focus on the moment rather than the things that you may normally worry about. The more you practice, the better it will get and the best part of that is that this kind of practice never gets boring!

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