I never really gave much thought to my relationship with my own parents until I became one. Prior to motherhood, my relationship with them was just there. I didn’t think about it or entertain ways to improve it. Now, as a mother, I reflect back so much more on the things my parents did and ways that they chose to raise my sister and I. I consider the things they say and contemplate what their experiences in life had been that led them to believe the way they do. I see similarities in myself as well as differences and I try to appreciate all the things about them, no matter how difficult.
My mom is very different from me. She is very old-school. She believes I should be married to a rich man, and that “settling” for whatever you get in a relationship is just the way things are done. She has in her own life settled for a man that she doesn’t love, but who provides for her (she’s told me this herself, so it’s not just speculation). As much as I disagree with her choice, I respect her simply because she is my Mother, and so I accept her personal choices in life. I have told her how I felt, and we are at a place where we respect each other enough to agree to disagree. That said, she’s my Mom, so she still offers up her advice at every turn. Even though her advice makes no sense to me sometimes and is often radically old-fashioned compared to how I live my life, I still listen to her. I still respect what she has to say. Many people wold say I tolerate things I shouldn’t have to, and maybe in some cases I could see their point. But, I do it because I won’t always have my Mother around. I do it because I love her regardless of her difference of opinion and it’s worth it to me to listen to her reasoning just to be able to spend time with her.
When my Mom’s Dad was still alive, I used to go visit him once a week or so. He was in his 90′s, but still lived alone in his house. He was blind and so I would often go over to read the paper to him, or at least keep him company for a little while. My grandpa was born in 1904, and his favorite thing in the world was to tell stories about the past. I always listened to him tell me the same stories over and over again. I thought if I had to hear his Stanley Steamer story one more time I was gonna go crazy! Even though his stories got boring to me, now that he’s gone I would give anything to hear him tell that story one more time. I think about my parent’s getting older and it occurs to me that someday I’ll be listening to her tell me stories, and I want to be sure that from start to finish my relationship with her (and my Father) is one that I will have no regrets about later in life.
Someday my boys may look at my relationship with them and judge the choices that I made. For better or worse I do the best I can to love them, support them, and teach them how to be an adult. I am sure I will make mistakes along the way, I am human. Sure there are aspects about my childhood that I think my Mom should have done differently, but living in regret, resentment or anger towards her does nothing for me. It’s in the past. As a parent, I believe she probably is well aware of some of the poor decisions she made regarding my sister and I; but I also believe in my heart that she would change them if she could.
There’s no real point to this post. I don’t have any tips or advice to give. I just was simply thinking today that our relationships with our parents are temporary and priceless. While I realize that there are some cases where this does not apply (I realize there are some relationships which are broken in ways that cannot be mended), having a good relationship with your parents can make such an amazing difference in your life. I may not agree with everything she did when I was growing up, but I love my Mother and I plan to listen to every one of her stories about life, whether I think she’s being old-school or not.
This post refers specifically to the United States, and I don’t really have any idea how other country’s education systems work but I would love to hear from those of you not in the U.S. about how your country tackle’s these issues.
There are some huge problems in the education system here, and I am not going to touch on all of them because I don’t have time to write a novel! If you look around online, even just in the blogosphere, what are the two main things you see people interested in? Money and Diet. I’ll tell you that those are my two primary topics of interest most of the time. It seems that no one really knows how to manage their money or their health, and here in America those are the two subjects that no one ever teaches you about in school. I suppose the education system expects that families will teach these things to their kids, but that only works if the families are already well educated in finance and health. Based on our debt problems and obesity rates in this country, I’d say we’re not.
Finance
I never took a finance class, nor was there any class about managing money and the expenses of living as an adult offered at my high school (or any others that I know of). Children should be taught how to manage their own money and the responsibility that you have when you become an adult. How did I learn about money? The hard way. I learned the way most people learn- trial and error. Our financial system in this country is a scam and it feeds on the fiscally uneducated. After many mistakes and eventually winding up in the hole, I’ve joined the millions of people who are online reading and learning about how to be financially independent instead of at the mercy of credit card companies. Sadly, I don’t see any hope for primary and secondary education in this country realizing the need for kids to have access to financial knowledge. So, I’m gonna do the best I can to educate my children myself. I’ve certainly made enough mistakes to be able to tell what NOT to do! I’ve also learned along the way some ways to save money that have helped me. Women and especially and young girls should learn to be their own financial advisor because all too often there is this idea that managing money is a man’s job.
Since I realize I live in only one of 50 states, you should look into your education system and find out if your child’s school offers a class in finance. If they do, explain to you child how important it is to know how to avoid the pitfalls of the American financial system. Even if the classes viewpoint differs from yours, there is still much to be gained from learning these things from a teacher instead of just the parent.
Nutrition
I don’t have to explain why I think we need to be teaching nutrition in school. Look at our country. I saw in the news that Mississippi has now surpassed the 30% mark for obesity. More than 1 in 3 people in Mississippi are considered obese. Nation-wide it’s an epidemic and we hear about it all the time. Colorado is the thinnest state, where I live, and we’re still holding steady with a 17% obesity rate. It’s not about fitting some standard or looking like a model. It’s a serious health concern, and what bothers me most is the number of kids I see that are already fighting with weight issues. Parent’s should be diligent about what goes into their child’s mouth, but if the parent’s are struggling to make healthy food choices then they’re certainly not going to be making smart choices for their kids.
America goes on these fads; something will suddenly become “in” or “out”… right now whole grains are the new thing. If the newest trend towards nutrition has convinced people to stop eating refined grains like white bread, that’s great! Still, there’s so much more to nutrition than the latest fad. Everything from the types of meat we’re eating (and how much) to choosing whether or not to buy organic. How about Fast Food? Most people have no idea the levels of chemicals, hormones and pesticides that they’re eating on a daily basis.
As far as obesity is concerned, nutrition doesn’t just have to do with what you’re putting into your body. It also matters greatly what you do with your body, and let’s face it- watching TV for two hours every night is not a good choice when combined with our choices of diet.
We have teenage girls who are starving themselves to be thin and maybe if they had been educated on how to eat healthy, they would be in a place where they were actually healthy and the desire to starve would not be as intense. A simple nutrition class on healthy foods, healthy activities, and the basic idea of the body as an energy machine (i.e. your weight is a result of what you put in vs. what you put out) would go a long way towards teaching children about their health. I have taught my kids a lot about healthy food choices, and while they’re not perfect and still chow down on candy once in a while, they’re leaps and bounds above most kids their age. I was in the produce isle the other day with them and they were fighting over whether we should get asparagus, artichokes or broccoli. They were nearly begging me for asparagus but I had just made it the other day and wanted to get broccoli. You should have seen the other parents nearby looking at my boys like they were mutants! They’re not…. the only difference in them is that I’ve had them eating healthy fruits and vegetables for so long now that they actually like them.
Nutrition is something that is offered more commonly in schools, but usually is an elective. If your child’s school does have such a class, convince your child the class is valuable. Even if they don’t use what they’ve learned initially, it will come back eventually and the acquired skills will be important for getting on a healthy track.
I realize that adding two subjects to school’s here in this country is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to our flawed education system, but it would be the first thing I would change if I had the power to do it on my own. It will take parents to realize the importance of these things to convince schools to add such subjects, and most parents are still struggling from the lack of financial and health information they received. Our kids deserve to have the necessary skills to become successful adults, and if the school system supported these two subjects I think this next generation would be far more prepared than my generation was.
Think back to your childhood for a moment. What’s the first great memory that comes to mind? How old were you? Was the memory an experience or was it an item that you received from someone? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that for most of us, our memories of childhood are defined by what experiences we had, rather than by things we acquired.
Some of my fondest memories include tents that my Grandma made for me on her outdoor porch swing in the summer time, camping trips,”hookie days” from school with my Mom for getting good grades, family bike rides, and holiday traditions such as making gingerbread men at Christmas time. If someone were to ask me the best, most expensive or beloved “thing” I got when I was 9, I wouldn’t be able to answer them! I have NO CLUE what I got as gifts when I was 9. Sure, I remember certain things. I remember getting a bike at Christmas one year. I remember being given my pet rabbit and that when I “graduated” 6th grade my Mom bought me a necklace.
Now days, people just buy things for their kids. They buy them new clothes, new video games, Lego’s, hot wheels, and anything else that will pacify them for a while. It’s like everyone is just trying to buy their kid off. My kids may sometimes feel they’re worse off than their friends because I don’t take them shopping for stuff every weekend (I don’t even take myself shopping), but I would much rather spend money on them in a way that creates memories instead of a piece of plastic that will be forgotten about in a day or two.
A good way to make memories is to continue traditions that you enjoyed when you were a child. The gingerbread men are an annual activity here at my house. For boys, it seems that eating them is way more fun than decorating them but come December they are asking me when it will be time to make them. I also like to start traditions of my own. Every spring and fall we take a weekend trip into the mountains and play in the hot springs. We swim, eat gelato, swim, go for a hike, eat dinner (and more gelato!), swim, pass out for the night and then repeat! We have so much fun, and since it’s a short trip within driving distance it’s easily affordable. We also go camping every summer.
I once got this kettle popcorn maker for my stove and initially I wondered what the world I was ever going to do with such a thing. It sat in a cupboard for a few years and then one night it dawned on me that we should have “movie night”. Movie night now happens every Friday night. The boys help me make the popcorn and then we snuggle together on the couch and chow down to a good flick. It’s a really nice way to start the weekend… especially in the winter. The point is that I believe when my son’s grow up, they will remember the activities and adventures we went on together long after they’ve forgotten that I once bought them a $50 game for their Gameboy.
I share the same difficulties as every parent in trying to balance work, social life, hobbies, kids, their hobbies, school, homework, etc. It’s one of the hardest things I have to tackle each day. I may not be able to create a meaningful memory each and every day, but if I plan ahead I can make time to do things with them that are more about being happy then they are about getting stuff that’s “cool”.
Where did summer go? Its seems like my oldest son just finished the third grade yesterday, and yet tomorrow is his first day back. Crazy! I feel like I’m not ready (and so, I can’t imagine how he must feel… hopefully more ready than I!)… I’m not ready for back to school night, selling candy bars to the poor unfortunate souls at my office, and working on 4th grade homework and trying to remember how the hell we did “it” when I was in 4th grade. Mostly, I’m not ready for my son to grow another year older. While there’s a big part of me that can’t wait for my boys to grow up so that I can have a grown relationship with them, the other part of me wonders why this is all speeding by so fast (sigh). But alas, the school year is here so I better get myself together. For any other parents out there trying to get into the swing of things again, here are a few of my tips to make the adjustment a little smoother.
- Transition: If your child is anything like mine, there’s gonna be some rough roads ahead! Suddenly he’s going to have to adjust to going to bed a littler earlier, spending less time riding his bike and playing his gameboy, and of course we’ll have to do homework! To help with this, I make sure that they’re in bed a little early each night (I work them back down slowly). Also, if you haven’t imposed this already, I make a rule at home about things like the gameboy. Once homework is done, the gameboy can come out for xx minutes. Over time, he complains less about the rule, but it takes a while. My son’s school also implements 30 minutes of reading each night at home as part of his grade, so I get him back in that habit as early as I can too.
- Homework: Plan ahead and set a designated time for homework. Depending on the age of your child, you will be involved to varying degrees. At least where I am at, homework is now designed to be more of an interaction between parent and student (“Go upstairs and do your homework while I fix Dinner” won’t work for me). Give him/her some time to decompress, so pick a time that allows for downtime before and after homework. I always choose dinner time and we work on it together while I’m cooking.
- The Social Hour: So far, I don’t have to worry about this too much, but I’m sure there’s a bunch of parents out there that do. I can’t imagine what it will be like trying manage my child’s social life in addition to my own! Since I have no experience with this, I’ll tell you what I think I’ll try to do when I get there. I think it’s critical to support and respect his relationships with others, so my hope is that he and I will have a discussion about priorities and understanding that homework and chores must come first. Any parental tips out there on this?
- New Teacher: This year my son has his first male teacher. It’s kinda cool. Regardless of sex, your student is going to have a new teacher which means new rules, new writing styles and new expectations. The most important thing I’ve found here is to communicate with your child everyday about his/her interaction with the new teacher to get a sense for how he perceives things. Then, I make sure to open the lines with the teacher so that I can form my own opinion outside of my child’s. My son is about the most extroverted person I know (besides me!) so depending on the teacher, he is either well received for his energy and enthusiasm or harshly criticized for being “disruptive”. Because of this I try to get to know his teachers very well (as I think all parents should). Keeping yourself informed from both angles will help you sort out any issues that your student might have at school.
- The Cool Factor: “But Mom… All my friends have one! I have to have that, you just don’t understand.” I try to remember how much that mattered to me when I was in school and in this case compromise is key. Understanding the importance of peer approval while still promoting uniqueness and self-expression is crucial. I want my son to be well liked and happy, but I also want him to think for himself. Sometimes I just plain can’t afford what “everyone else” has, and I tell him we need to get something different. But in the event it’s a specific type of folder or backpack or something that I can afford, I ask him to think about whether he wants that one because of others, or if it truly is his favorite. If given the time to rationalize, he often chooses the one he likes. The key is that if we give in to all the things our kids tell us they have to have to fit in, we’re telling them (through our actions) that we want them to be like everyone else; that we want them to do what other people do, wear what other people wear, etc. That’s not a message I want to send to my son.
- Lunches: Yeah, ok so this seems a little trivial but lunches can be tricky! Ever opened your kid’s lunch box from the day before and found the only things missing were the “sweet stuff”? Man, that makes me crazy! I actually have my son help me with making his lunch. Sometimes if we’re doing good, he makes it entirely on his own and I check it later to see what he’s added. Typically I find that if he’s taken the time and energy to make it, he’ll eat it! Other times I just straight up ask, “If I put ____ in your lunch, will you eat it, or will it end up in the garbage? Just be honest. I won’t be angry, I just don’t want to waste food”. He’s pretty honest with me and he’ll tell me if he doesn’t want a banana in his lunch that day. I always prefer “sack lunches” to the hot lunch… not only for the sake of saving money but also for the sake of knowing what is going into my kid’s mouth! I’m pretty big on organic, and I remember what school lunches were like…. worse than bowling ally food if you ask me. If you shop carefully, you can find 100% juice boxes, organic cookies, and other things that will “seem” like goodies to your child, but are a lot better for them then Cheeto’s.
- Rise and Shine: Getting your child up for school can be a nightmare. I have given my son an alarm that is solely for him. When it goes off, he gets up and comes in my room to get me up (bad Mommy!). Now, this doesn’t always work out perfectly, but usually just the fact that it’s going off will get him out of bed faster in the event that I do have to go in his room to tell him to get dressed. Getting yourself up every day is a good thing to be responsible for and Mom can always be there as backup.
Well, that’s my advice. It’s a lot, but when you think about it, having a kid in school is a lot of work! Especially in the first month trying to get back into the groove. These tips should not only help you adjust, but should also help your student. Happy schooling y’all.
An article appeared on my homepage today that I had to comment on. According to Fox News, Hospitals in New York City are going ban baby bottles for new Mothers in the Hospital in order to encourage breastfeeding. I don’t deny that Mother’s Milk is best, and that breastfeeding is a more natural way to go. I also don’t deny that it helps to bond Mother to baby and that it can help a new Mom to lose all that pregnancy weight. There are LOTS of benefits- I get it.
What I don’t get is why it should be anyone’s business besides the Mother and maybe the Father. While I agree about the benefits of breastfeeding, my first son never latched on and so I bottle fed him. He is and always has been a very healthy child. If formula fed babies showed significant differences in health or growth than I could understand the push to get women to breastfeed, but in this case I don’t.
Nurses are generally pretty pushy about this subject as well, but now with hospital support behind them, I pity the Mother’s who wish not to breastfeed- whatever their reasons may be.
So, if they can tell us we can’t bottle feed (or at least make it difficult), what’s next?
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