Platonic relationships with the opposite sex can be incredibly fulfilling and rewarding. Some of my best friends have been men. Many people debate the idea that a man and a woman can have a true friendship; with nothing else in the mix. I’ve learned now that while I still think it’s possible, it really depends on the two people involved. I have experienced both success and failure.
I have been friends with a guy that I’ve known for a few years now. We’ve always been very close and he’s a wonderful guy. Through the years he has made it known to me that his feelings went beyond friendship, but I never acted on them. While I don’t want to say that I know for sure, I speculate that the feelings started very early on in our friendship. Our friendship didn’t suffer from this really, with the exception of a few moments here or there where I was uncomfortable.
A few months ago, I began to notice my feelings changing for him, and I said something to him about it. We ended up on a week-long journey of casual dating and by the end of that week I had realized that I had made a terrible mistake risking our friendship. He and I were not a good match. Our difference in age (he is 8 years younger than me) and difference in emotional placement in life would not allow us to have a healthy relationship. I ended things and explained truthfully to him why I felt that this could not work. We tried to go back to being friends, but many things were different.
Moving beyond friendship was a point of no return- for both of us. For me, I can no longer be his friend and stay “blissfully ignorant” to his feelings, and for him it seems difficult to shut the door that was opened when we dated for that week. The question is, was this ever truly platonic? Could it have ever been or remained that way? I believe that as far and he and I are concerned, sooner or later it would have happened (because he’s a wonderful person) but the conclusion would have been the same. Whether I choose to regret it or not, I wouldn’t know the things I know had I not made the choice to try a more intimate relationship.
I don’t deny that he is a wonderful person; he is one of the most caring and compassionate people I’ve ever met, but unfortunately you can’t choose who you love, or who you don’t. I have no doubt that he will make someone very happy in life; unfortunately, that just isn’t going to be me.
The answer to my question, whether or not platonic relationships are possible… I suppose that I think now that they are and can be, but maybe not forever. Isn’t it likely that if two people spend enough time together, one of them is bound to develop feelings beyond friendship? I think it’s probable, and maybe that isn’t a bad thing. Maybe that is just part of the journey; part of the experience you are meant to have with that person. Maybe if you’re lucky that friendship turns into something wonderful for both of you, but if not take what you can from the experience and apply what you’ve learned.
I can in many ways thank my friend. Because of this experience I realize that I want some specific things with the next relationship that I get into, and more importantly I learned that I am strong enough to make the right choice for me and be patient for what I want.
I often glance at the girly magazines at the grocery store while I’m waiting to check out. Nearly one each month boasts an article on how to be a better lover, how to turn your guy on, or how to be sexier. I don’t claim to know what all of them suggest, but I did read one that gave tips on how to turn your man on in bed. I have better advice for you, and it’s pretty simple and direct. Confidence. Confidence and self esteem are the keys to being the best lover you can be.
Think about your most recent intimate encounter; in fact it doesn’t even have to be sexually intimate. For many years I had trouble with intimacy because I was filled with self doubt. I worried about whether I would create a pleasurable experience, if it had been “good enough”, even just that he would like me. Those worries were the exact reason for my troubles. How can you be intimate and be a good lover if you’re holding back or distracted by all your thoughts of inadequacy? You can’t!
Now turn the tables and think about a guy (or girl) you’ve been with before that wasn’t sure of himself. Let’s face it. There’s nothing that can be more of a turn-off than a person who’s not confident enough to explore, experience, be open minded and direct. That nervous energy, lack of attention and focus, and seemingly “pushover” quality is not a highly erotic trait.
The tricky thing to fixing this though starts long before you ever get to the bedroom. A lack of confidence typically shows itself in more than one area of your life. Maybe it stems from an overall feeling of being incapable or feeling like something’s wrong with you. You may see it in your friendships, at your job, or at large social gatherings. Sometimes the lack of confidence makes it difficult to even find a significant other because before anything gets going, you’re already putting out the energy that you’re not sure of yourself; you don’t know what you want, or you don’t believe in your own value. If you don’t believe in yourself, than how can anyone else?
The same is true for the bedroom. If you’re not comfortable with your body or comfortable enough to be direct about what you want and “how”, then you will be fighting against the opportunity for a meaningful experience. Be who you are. Like what you like, and be ok with that. Chances are the person that you’re with already knows exactly who you are (even if you try to hide some things) and likes you for them. If they don’t, then you’re in the wrong place anyway. If it’s the relationship that is making it difficult to feel confident, then that is your red flag to get out of the situation, because a relationship should never make you feel devalued or unworthy.
If you have trouble feeling confident in other areas of your life, coming to terms with that first will improve your life in all areas. We all have baggage and trauma; we all have wounds that create our self-esteem issues. Tackling those issues rather than ignoring them is key. Next time you have an opportunity to be intimate with your significant other, be present in the experience; be honest and forward and enjoy yourself. Try to focus on the moment rather than the things that you may normally worry about. The more you practice, the better it will get and the best part of that is that this kind of practice never gets boring!
I never really gave much thought to my relationship with my own parents until I became one. Prior to motherhood, my relationship with them was just there. I didn’t think about it or entertain ways to improve it. Now, as a mother, I reflect back so much more on the things my parents did and ways that they chose to raise my sister and I. I consider the things they say and contemplate what their experiences in life had been that led them to believe the way they do. I see similarities in myself as well as differences and I try to appreciate all the things about them, no matter how difficult.
My mom is very different from me. She is very old-school. She believes I should be married to a rich man, and that “settling” for whatever you get in a relationship is just the way things are done. She has in her own life settled for a man that she doesn’t love, but who provides for her (she’s told me this herself, so it’s not just speculation). As much as I disagree with her choice, I respect her simply because she is my Mother, and so I accept her personal choices in life. I have told her how I felt, and we are at a place where we respect each other enough to agree to disagree. That said, she’s my Mom, so she still offers up her advice at every turn. Even though her advice makes no sense to me sometimes and is often radically old-fashioned compared to how I live my life, I still listen to her. I still respect what she has to say. Many people wold say I tolerate things I shouldn’t have to, and maybe in some cases I could see their point. But, I do it because I won’t always have my Mother around. I do it because I love her regardless of her difference of opinion and it’s worth it to me to listen to her reasoning just to be able to spend time with her.
When my Mom’s Dad was still alive, I used to go visit him once a week or so. He was in his 90′s, but still lived alone in his house. He was blind and so I would often go over to read the paper to him, or at least keep him company for a little while. My grandpa was born in 1904, and his favorite thing in the world was to tell stories about the past. I always listened to him tell me the same stories over and over again. I thought if I had to hear his Stanley Steamer story one more time I was gonna go crazy! Even though his stories got boring to me, now that he’s gone I would give anything to hear him tell that story one more time. I think about my parent’s getting older and it occurs to me that someday I’ll be listening to her tell me stories, and I want to be sure that from start to finish my relationship with her (and my Father) is one that I will have no regrets about later in life.
Someday my boys may look at my relationship with them and judge the choices that I made. For better or worse I do the best I can to love them, support them, and teach them how to be an adult. I am sure I will make mistakes along the way, I am human. Sure there are aspects about my childhood that I think my Mom should have done differently, but living in regret, resentment or anger towards her does nothing for me. It’s in the past. As a parent, I believe she probably is well aware of some of the poor decisions she made regarding my sister and I; but I also believe in my heart that she would change them if she could.
There’s no real point to this post. I don’t have any tips or advice to give. I just was simply thinking today that our relationships with our parents are temporary and priceless. While I realize that there are some cases where this does not apply (I realize there are some relationships which are broken in ways that cannot be mended), having a good relationship with your parents can make such an amazing difference in your life. I may not agree with everything she did when I was growing up, but I love my Mother and I plan to listen to every one of her stories about life, whether I think she’s being old-school or not.
Think back to your childhood for a moment. What’s the first great memory that comes to mind? How old were you? Was the memory an experience or was it an item that you received from someone? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that for most of us, our memories of childhood are defined by what experiences we had, rather than by things we acquired.
Some of my fondest memories include tents that my Grandma made for me on her outdoor porch swing in the summer time, camping trips,”hookie days” from school with my Mom for getting good grades, family bike rides, and holiday traditions such as making gingerbread men at Christmas time. If someone were to ask me the best, most expensive or beloved “thing” I got when I was 9, I wouldn’t be able to answer them! I have NO CLUE what I got as gifts when I was 9. Sure, I remember certain things. I remember getting a bike at Christmas one year. I remember being given my pet rabbit and that when I “graduated” 6th grade my Mom bought me a necklace.
Now days, people just buy things for their kids. They buy them new clothes, new video games, Lego’s, hot wheels, and anything else that will pacify them for a while. It’s like everyone is just trying to buy their kid off. My kids may sometimes feel they’re worse off than their friends because I don’t take them shopping for stuff every weekend (I don’t even take myself shopping), but I would much rather spend money on them in a way that creates memories instead of a piece of plastic that will be forgotten about in a day or two.
A good way to make memories is to continue traditions that you enjoyed when you were a child. The gingerbread men are an annual activity here at my house. For boys, it seems that eating them is way more fun than decorating them but come December they are asking me when it will be time to make them. I also like to start traditions of my own. Every spring and fall we take a weekend trip into the mountains and play in the hot springs. We swim, eat gelato, swim, go for a hike, eat dinner (and more gelato!), swim, pass out for the night and then repeat! We have so much fun, and since it’s a short trip within driving distance it’s easily affordable. We also go camping every summer.
I once got this kettle popcorn maker for my stove and initially I wondered what the world I was ever going to do with such a thing. It sat in a cupboard for a few years and then one night it dawned on me that we should have “movie night”. Movie night now happens every Friday night. The boys help me make the popcorn and then we snuggle together on the couch and chow down to a good flick. It’s a really nice way to start the weekend… especially in the winter. The point is that I believe when my son’s grow up, they will remember the activities and adventures we went on together long after they’ve forgotten that I once bought them a $50 game for their Gameboy.
I share the same difficulties as every parent in trying to balance work, social life, hobbies, kids, their hobbies, school, homework, etc. It’s one of the hardest things I have to tackle each day. I may not be able to create a meaningful memory each and every day, but if I plan ahead I can make time to do things with them that are more about being happy then they are about getting stuff that’s “cool”.
Being single used to be a temporary state for me. I had this idea that being single wasn’t a place to stay, it was an in between place in my life where I only stayed as long as I had to. I hated it, to tell you the truth. Somehow in my mind, being single meant there was something wrong with me, otherwise I wouldn’t be alone. Admittedly, I was raised a bit old school… I learned at a young age that being with a man was the only way to be. I went from one boyfriend to the next and eventually to a husband, without ever realizing that I was really missing something. That something turned out to be me! With all the relationships back to back my whole life I had absolutely NO idea what I wanted out of my life! My life was being lived by some “alternate” me… there were reflections of myself in it, but mostly I was creating the me that would make that particular relationship work and function. They of course always ended in part because I could never sustain the non-authentic person I had become.
I didn’t learn to appreciate and cherish being single until I was 31 years old. Better late than never. My last relationship was a disaster and I couldn’t bring myself to get back in the game. There was a time when I felt a sense of urgency to find someone new (clearly my old shortcomings and ideologies at work), but luckily for me nothing ever panned out. I finally realized how smart it is to be single. There’s nothing wrong with it at all!!! In fact, it is incredibly liberating and empowering. Not only have I learned about myself in the sense of what I want and need, but I have grown in my confidence as well. I no longer have even the slightest urge to be in or stay in a relationship that isn’t giving me exactly what I need. I now know that unless it’s going to rock my world and inspire me, it’s not worth it.
If you’re still in the habit of thinking that you have to be pro-actively searching for love, think again. There are so many advantages to being single for a while. Here’s a few reasons to settle in and get comfortable.
- Your time is truly yours now. Even though I could for the most part do what I wanted to do while in a relationship, it wasn’t the same as being single. Out of respect for him, I still had to check in and let him know when I would be home, etc. And often I ended up doing something that wouldn’t have necessarily been on my top ten list (Such as helping him work on his car instead of hanging out with girlfriends or enjoying a good movie). Now what I do is exactly what I want, and I don’t have to call a single person. I don’t have to worry about getting home in time for dinner or anything else. It’s a fantastic thing to be a 100% owner of your time without accountability- even if it’s only for a while.
- You are CEO. Once during my early single-life, I went furniture shopping to get a new dining room table. There was a couple next to me in a disagreement about which table to buy because they each had their own ideas about what was best for their kitchen. It made me smile becuase for that moment I felt grateful that I didn’t have that complication in my life. The furniture salesman came my way and I pointed and said “I’ll take that one”. It was great.
- Overhaul Yourself! Relationships can be a huge blessing OR burden on your own body image. Once I stopped viewing my single status as temporary, I was able to focus in on what parts of me I like and what parts of me I want to change and make better. This goes for the external as well as internal. I learned that a lot of what I thought I liked and didn’t like was actually a reflection of what my significant other felt about me. Now I know what I want to keep and what I don’t.
- Favorite Things. Many of us have hobbies that aren’t exactly the kind of thing a guy wants to be doing! Such as shopping (my Mother’s hobby), sewing, arts and crafts, etc. I am a skydiver and so even in my hobby it’s not the kind of thing that I can necessarily do with a significant other. Being single for a while allows you to really focus on the things you love in a selfish kind of way without depriving another person of anything. Take advantage of this selfish time, it’s great for motivating and inspiring change.
- Be a bed hog! Hahaha! This may sound strange, but I truly love that I don’t have to share my bed right now. I can have as many covers on or off as I want, sleep with a fan on or the heater on; I can sleep SIDEWAYS if I want! It’s one of the luxuries only afforded to us singletons.
I realize that most of us- regardless of how happily single we are- still have the intention to live our life with another, and that’s a good thing. Being in love is a basic human need I think. But, it doesn’t mean that a woman shouldn’t revel in her freedom and take full advantage of it’s benefits. There is so much you can learn about yourself if you embrace it instead of focusing on trying to change your status. Being single allows you to recenter yourself, be sure about what you want, and change the things about yourself that don’t empower you; These things will be priceless later on, because the more you know yourself the better quality your next relationship will be.
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